After the Break

Posted by owner on December 19th, 2010 — in Memories

I wouldn’t call it writer’s block; rather more a writer’s break.  Oh, I’ve written pages here and there, scribbled a poem or two, jotted notes and thoughts from time to time, but the dedicated focus has been nonexistent lately.  And it’s not that I have nothing to say.  There has never been a time when I sat down to write and came up empty.  I move through my days as always and, as things pop up, I think “I should write about that” and then I don’t.  And things happen that provoke me and yet I have been reticent about picking up pen and paper or pounding on the keyboard.   It makes me feel a tad guilty but then everyone needs a vacation, don’t they?   And the wonder of it is that this little break has provided me with profound moments of clarity.   Times when I have a realization or understanding that stops me cold. Things that occur to me that I imagine others know and take for granted, but are so very new to me.   It has been a period of growing.

Spirituality alert here….random musings about to occur!

My thoughts have turned lately to the concept of love.  “I love ice cream” or “I love those shoes!”  I am guilty of using the word love casually as does everyone else.  We’ve all done this.  There is a lyric by Robert Cray “Don’t say you love me if you like me.   Don’t say you like me if you love me…”  Robert is so right.   We interchange like and love without a moment’s thought.   Love is a word I use daily in my prayers.   “Fill me with light and love” I intone and as those words leave my lips I feel it moving through me.  How cool is that?   I LOVE that feeling.  Or do I like it?   See what I mean? 

And so I consider the meaning of love.  My time here in the desert taught me one important thing:  darkness is my friend.  The hard times are a proving ground and you can’t fully appreciate the light until you have experienced the darkness.   Now this is not something new, the darkness of the soul, but it is something you have to go through to fully understand it.  And what I understand about the darkness and the emotions it generates is that like the light, it too is rooted in love.  And that is new for me.  To acknowledge that love is not only the source of light but also the darkness.   It is the source ofevery thought, word, deed and emotion that propels me through this earthly life. 

The love I have for my life, family and friends is expressed through happiness.  The love I have lost is expressed through grief.  When love slips away from me I experience fear and worry.  Anger explodes in me when love is abused.  Sadness and loneliness rise up when I am unable to share my love.  What power love has over me! I can’t get away from it!   I can’t move without it!  It shapes me.  Truly it is the source of my being.  What a revelation!

As I continued these thoughts about love I couldn’t help but think about connection.   In so many books, lectures, seminars, workshops, I have heard the same thing.  Get connected!   Connect to the light, connect to Spirit, connect to Nature, and connect to the Universe.   In fact every day in my prayers I turn to the seven directions (East, South, West, North, Above, Below and Within) and ask the Wisdom Keepers to connect me to All That Is. I seek to connect with Nature. I seek to connect with love. Yet, now knowing what I know,  think about it for a minute.   If love is the source of both light and darkness, the source of All That Is, if love fuels my existence then doesn’t that mean I am always connected?   YES!  Of course I am!   The Universe must have a good laugh at me every morning asking for something I already have.  Instead of saying get connected I should say I AM connected and, more importantly, now I know it.

And there it is…the knowing.  That is what this little writer’s break has brought home to me.  To know love is the source and that I am always connected.   To know that no matter how much I screw up I am still connected, to know that the connection never breaks because love is the connection.  And love is always within me.  And so my morning prayers have changed.

I ask that I maintain my knowing.   I ask that I move through my day aware of my connection and that each step I take, every leaf I touch, every time I scratch my dog’s ear, each carrot I give to the horses, every word I say is done with full awareness of our connection to source, to love.  I ask that as emotions arise that my heart is full of awareness of the source of that feeling. 

This gives the meaning of presence new depth for me.  I thought I was mindful before but now my sensory kaleidoscope is coming into focus.  As my thoughts turn the lens and sharpen my view, the autumn golds now glow, the greens are vibrant, the rushing water fills my ears and reverberates in my blood and the breeze cups my chin and inflates my lungs with joy.  The blue sky is no longer above me rather it descends to meet the earth beneath my feet encasing me in the bubble of Nature and the knowing that not only am I surrounded by Nature I am Nature.   I am forever changed and excited to claim my place within Nature’s love and know my purpose is to be part of it.  With every movement I anchor myself to the Earth while at the same time I am swimming in the sky. 

And so my little vacation, my writer’s break, has morphed into a new lifetime of knowing.  It goes straight to my heart.   It comes from my heart.   And I love it.